Tachikawa NO JIRETTAI BURO-GU!

Its nearly been 5 months since I blogged! Wow, thats an awfully long time. A really awfully long time.

And as much as I want to keep my blog ‘clean’ to portray myself as a strong-willed person who’s willing to go through the ends of the earth for the things that really matter to him, I do falter sometimes. And when I do falter, I noticed that its hard to counter my facade that I’ve put up all this while. And I don’t blog about it, even when my original intention of my blog was to remind me of how I’ve changed; evolved.

Through the years that I’ve been keeping my blog, you’ll be able to see how much I’ve actually changed. From that lonely blog post in April 2004 when I was in my 2nd year of Polytechnic (and I can’t believe the way I actually TYPED out a blog post back then. HAHA!), to like now, in 2009, when I’m in my 2nd year of University. Sadly, my blogging aims haven’t quite been the same, and I think its about time I return to my roots of blogging: a reminder of how I was; how I am; how I might turn out to be. An insight into how my thoughts functioned at a particular point in my life, no matter how sad, depressing or facade-shattering it might be. And I begin my thoughts, with this..

I’m not really that strong. I’m sorry, I’m really not that strong. As much as I might want to think I don’t care about what we had; no matter what you did to me, no matter what you did to our friends, I do. I blame myself for letting our friends get hurt in the process, possibly as much as you blame yourself for letting yourself fall that night after Ocean’s 12. As much as time has healed me, I do get nauseated by sudden flashes of what we were. We were there. Together. For one and a half years, talking on the phone every night for hours on end. You left a huge gap that time had to fill up slowly, grain by grain. I couldn’t possibly do that in one week like you did. but did you ever really? The way that you’ve needed to cut off all ties with everything/everyone linked with me. The way you’ve needed to assure yourself that life is good and you’re truly happy now. I can’t say I AM truly happy with MY life right now, because I haven’t quite found my calling YET, but I can say that I am quite happy the way its turned out to be.

I’ve met so many good people; friends that has been there in the best way possible. Friends that have provided me so much support, its unbelievable. I’ve been given a chance to lead a wonderful committee as President in the Original Music Society next semester, I’ve been given an opportunity to DJ at Blu-Jazz, Duke Tan and Crazy Straits had given me the chance to helm my own movie soundtrack project with their latest movie offering, I’ve met a group of very driven individuals who’re very interested in heading for their SIA Pilot wings, I’ve tremendously evolved my musical ambitions, and so much more. I’m much closer to my Maserati then I was last year. Are you walking the talk now, or are you just the satisfied where you are, as you always were?

Now, this was never meant to be a blog post to be responded to. Nor do I ever need you to respond to it. Its somewhat a rhetorical post of sorts, to remind me of what my state of mind is at this point of time; to return myself to my original blogging roots, as you might have read in the beginning. To remind me of what I am. What I was. What I want myself to be. You? You lost yourself, my dear. Attempting to erase a past that had already happened. Changing your principles and stories as often as one changes her clothes. You’re a sad excuse for a person. Live your life the way you want to, see how far that’ll take you. 10 months of self-reflection is enough for me. Time for me to bring this out to the open; time to break free. My conclusions are here for you to read: You’re not worth the time. Wait. You WERE worth my time, but not anymore. See, unlike you, I accept the choices I’ve made, regardless of whatever I am now. Thats the gaping difference between you and me.

Well, at least it was fun while it lasted, yeah?

P.S. Come look for me when you’ve had enough of living in denial. My arms are always open, as friends at least.