Tachikawa NO JIRETTAI BURO-GU!

Mmm. Its interesting how finding that old motivational book shelved between tons of other books could help you in your present situation.

Anyway, I found a topic on dealing with ‘Self-Image and the Subconscious’ in the book titled ‘Being Happy!’ written by Andrew Matthews:

Our subconscious behaviour and our subconscious programmes are intertwined with our self-concept. For example, when we are feeling badly about ourselves, we tend to take it out on ourselves. This is not something that is necessarily a conscious act. It is simply that our treatment of ourselves will automatically reflect how much we like ourselves at any given moment.

It is of prime importance that we do all in our power to keep thinking positive thoughts. This will ensure that we can stay happy people. A bad self-image says ‘I don’t deserve’. This leads to a person subconsciously sabotaging his/her own happiness. Whenever exciting opportunities come along, a chance to take a holiday arises or a chance to learn a new skill presents itself, that person will either consciously or unconsciously find reasons why it can’t be done.

Here are some things that can help:

Accept compliments
Give compliments
Always speak well of yourself
Praise yourself
Separate your behaviours from yourself
Treat your body well
Let people know how you expect to be treated
Get around good people
Work at having pleasure without guilt
Use affirmations. Always picture in your mind how you wan to be not how you are. You will then necessarily gravitate toward your dominant thoughts.

I believe. To change my life, I have to take steps to do so. Wallowing in self-pity is nuts; it is useless. Screw them. Screw my old self. I changed my physical self. It is high time I changed my mental self. Its gonna be a bumpy ride, but hell yeah I’m gonna do it. Watch out world, there’s a storm comin’ your way. ikeeeeeeee!

3 blog posts in one day. It looks like I won’t be blogging for quite a while.. U _ U.

I would just like to put in 2 words in: I’m sorry. Yes. I don’t know. I always do things which just push people away. A little enthusiasm is just too much for me. My persona doesn’t have a counter-balance, so it seems. I just feel the need to apologize to everyone and anyone who’ve known me. Thanks for taking the time to indulge in me ya? Life wouldn’t have been the same without knowing you guys; ending in bad, good, or neverending, a friendship gained is nothing lost, even if it ended, it would have still been something for the times.

Thanks for everything. I’m gonna go on an internet hiatus at the moment. Just for a few days. To recompose myself; to just rediscover things; to just stop, and smell the roses. See you guys soon!

So Sorry. I apologize for leading everyone on this charade. I am not who I say I am these past few years. No one knows me. Not my closest friends. Not even I. So Sorry…

I do not know. I do not care. I just do not know what to believe in. Am I accepted by society? Maybe. Yes. No.
I do not know.

Believe. Do I want to believe that I am inferior? No. Do I really believe that I am inferior? I guess so. I just want to…. Believe?

Perceptions. Did I really not meet them? Should people tell me their perceptions of me? I guess not. I would prefer so, yes I would. Their. Perceptions…

- Tachikawa; In a state of confusion, anger and emotional turmoil.
I feel so insecure. I just don’t know. Why. Sudden dip in my self-esteem.

Well, I did spend some time overlooking the lake from the extreme end of the 16th floor (the level above mine). Let me tell you that it was very, very, very calming and peaceful. The breeze eminating from the lake was very very refreshing. Furthermore, the view I had was really nice. Much better than from the balcony on my level. The darkness just brings out the mysterious calming effect the lake has on me. Micheal Buble on the headphones added to the effect. Spent well over 20 mins staring into nothing.at.all.

I think it lifted my spirits up a little bit. Thanks, oh humble lake. I owe you one.

Ok. Do me a favour. Someone shoot me. Right_in_the_FACE. Please. This is just so stupid.

I somehow feel that inferiority is inherent; in-built within my consciousness. Its very discouraging; to feel that you are way inferior than the people around you. Sure, what if you’re tall. I’m like, ‘WHATEVER’, I’m still inferior. You know what? Fuck that man. I just don’t know what in the world is wrong with me nowadays.

Its like. ‘hey MAN wassup! Do you have a girlfriend yet?’. Its so irritating. I usually go ‘Uhm, no. So..what’s for lunch?’ and inside I’m like ‘I’m sooo gonna punch your face the moment you let your guard down LOL’. This is the most probable reason for why I feel so inferior; the possibility of being rejected by society makes me want to just punch something/someone. I never thought I would never attain such a level of dejectedness.

Back when I was a kid, everything else was so simple. Me and my close buddies would just hang by the void decks playing soccer or catching, and whenever any couple walked by we would just like agree that we would never be like that. Ever. Childish perceptions. They were so untainted; so pure. Society shapes you. Changes your perceptions; you are bended by the collective will of the people around you. That’s society for you. Ha!

Furthermore, last Sunday’s article on those who’ve ‘Never Been Kissed’ in the Lifestyle section of the Straits Times.was really. Scary. I’m not kidding. Heck. Sure, I might still be 18, I can sure as hell feel the pressure rising up slow and steady. Right. I’m a better person than before. How am I to be viewed by the opposite gender? ‘What a wierdo’, they’d probably say. My face sucks. My body sucks. Someone kill me.

You know what’s on my mind now? Motivation. Yeap. Motivation.. Its been on my mind for a quite a while. What actually motivates someone? Whether good or evil, what actually lies behind a person’s motives? Love, self-gain, hate. Such a huge range of possibilities!

Well, back to..me. I’ve always been wondering. How have I been motivated to do certain things? Some of the things I’ve achieved seemed so impossible to many people. One. My weight loss. About 1 year ago, I was this grossly overweight kid, clocking in at an all time high of 0.105 tons. Uh, 105 kilograms. SOOO HEAVY?! you might say. Heck, I was assuring myself that it was all ok for my height, which was about 6 ft (1.81m). I was in such a huge state of denial…until I saw myself in pictures I took at one outing. It was very. sad. and scary. At that point in time, I was liking this girl. I was so apprehensive to ask her out. THIS made me more apprehensive, more than ever…

Funny thing was, on the night of the day I got pictures, I just took my sports shoes and went for a jog. Just like that. Slowly, steadily. From 2.4 km to 3km. 3km to 3.5km. Soon I was hitting 4km. All over a span of 6 months. Every night. I took my shoes, put them on, and began jogging. I rested on weekends. Approximately half an hour of jogging every night. The next few months saw me constantly keeping to the 4 km, with slight decreases in time.

Soon, 2 weeks after I started jogging, I added in one day of swimming every week. I began with 10 laps of frog-style. (To-and-fro=one lap). This alone took me nearly 45 mins of pure determination. Be reminded that I was 1) grossly overweight and 2) with the stamina of a sloth. Every week. I swam. I improved a little, then I decided to switch to free style. That first half-lap was a real torture. I mean, really. It was soo difficult. I nearly gave up..but I pressed on. I added on 5 free style laps to my 10 frog-style laps. It took me 1 hour! I increased the ratio to 10 free-style laps to 10 frogstyle ones.Eventually… I totally eliminated frogstyle and swam 20 laps of pure freestylism. All in one hour. Now I’m able to clock 30 to-and-fro freestyle laps in 1 hour.

I now weigh 78kg (previously 105kg). All that. Ano onnanoko no tame ni. For that girl.

…..All to see me back out. In the end. At least I’m in a much better state than I was previously in. *sigh* if only she knew. ; - ;

Here’s..a before and after sample: LOL! :

Haaaa~. It was a great National Day holiday today~! I usually spend my National Day at home. Alone. Watching the TV. Eating Kentucky fried chicken. Staring out of my 15th storey apartment into the night wishing I’d utilized my day to its full potential. huuuuu…. (; - ; )

Laugh out loud!

Anyhooo, this year’s quite a whole new ball game~ Went out for a nice long dinner at Seoul Garden (I’m now basically adding my blog to a whole list of other blog sites when someone googles for ‘Seoul Garden’ lol.) with my secondary school friends. Well other than Grace and Dave, whom I basically see daily (bleagh.. hah! kidding. You know I love ya guys *hugz*), its been quite a while since I saw the others. *sigh*..

It was really great to see you guys man. We hung around the seaside and the Esplanade. Taking pictures. Telling jokes. Chilling. Reminiscing. haiii~ Ended the day with a shared ice latte from Starbucks or somethin’. Nice.. (It also resulted in a very hyper-active me. AT 1AM IN THE MORNING!. Bad move..)

Yeah. So. DAMMIT. I’m losing my flair for writing. Really. I can’t write anything for jack. It seems like I’m loosing my grasp of the English language. Noooo. Darn. I need to read. Maybe a short refresher course in Dicken’s Tale of Two Cities should suffice. Hmmm..

Yeap. So anyway! Here’s my promised piano rendition of the Final Fantasy X-2 track, Seal of the Wind ~The Three Trails~. Once again, keep in mind: I can’t read notes. I can’t play pedals. Everything was (de)composed by ear. lol. Took me 2 hours to decompose and 2 days to get used to the keys. (P.S. Ignore the ending. lol)

Tachikawa Vs Uematsu -Seal of the Wind ~The Three Winds~ (TachiMIX)

Here

I leave you with this jazzy Japanese track by Minmi titled ‘Shiki no Uta’ (The Song of 4 Seasons).
Ja. Thats it yo. Back to restoring my grasp of the language. mmmmm…books. Byeee.

P.S. I got a small stint writing the backstory for a videogame meant for the XBox Live / PC! WooT! Lol.

It was a pretty interesting day, I must say. 2 hours of piano-ing at the Esplanade library wit’ Grace, an hour of slacking on top of the Esplanade looking at the stars and discussing life in general/present/past/future and ending it all off with a dinner of burgers and crackers by the Singapore River. A pretty good day, I must say. Also met 2 apparent ‘mats’ who booked the room for the hour after ours. They played some really nice and soulful piano duets! As we left, I thought I heard ‘The Flight of the Bumble Bee’ being played. Really talented people! *does a standing ovation*. Piano duets. I’ve never seen one in real life before. I’m hoping to meet more of these people in the future. Really. It would be an honour. *sigh*. I need to work more on my inferior workings. ; - ; Oh. Can’t forget about Grace! She plays well too!

Also, I discovered something really interesting. My brother, all of 8 years, likes classical music. He switched the radio to Symphony 92.4 before he fell asleep. Of all things, classical music! Not that its a bad thing….he also likes Eminem and Utada Hikaru…but he’s 8! @_@; Lets hope he gets to nurture his interest in music, at least he has a chance. He is able to read musical notes. Thats a good start. Lol.

So anyway. I think I need to sleep. REAL BAD. Haaaaa. Nite guys!

Damn. I had the most excellent gourmet meal yesterday. Liberally-sprinkled top-grade olive oil sprinkled over excellently prepared piping hot spaghetti, on a plate, with a seafood sauce so great, you felt you were in heaven. A thick and creamy tomato-base sauce, filled with succulently fresh white meat from the best top-grade promfret around, a liberal amount of of shellfish and nice and crunchy minute carrot and onion bits, simmered to perfection. And to top it all off, the best red wine, to complement the shellfish and white meat in the meal. Mamma mia~!
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Ok, maybe not red wine per se, more like …uhhh..red syrup…drink. lol. Anyhoo, it was really great spaghetti! Its been a while since my father prepared something so nice, so delicous, so succulent. Ahhh~.

Soo…onwards to more pressing matters. It has come to my attention that Grace has had a longggg and interesting history in high school, with, hmmmm, how should I put it? With…people? lolol. I’ll elaborate more in a future ‘edition’. hah! Sooo yeah. I had an interesting week. I learnt a nice and new funky song from Final Fantasy X-2 International. Seal of the 3 winds. On the piano. It sounds really nice. I’ll post a recording when I get back from school.

P.S. I’m still in school. Typing. This. On. My. Blog. Lol.

Anyhoo, I’ll see ya guys later. I’ll be goin to a ‘concert’ (note the inverted commars) featuring Stella Ng (did I spell it correctly?) in school later. It’ll be an eye-opening experience. A’ight. Signin’ out…from school. lol.